Negotiating with Your Child
Do you have a child that is constantly objecting to what you tell them to do until you get into a “negotiation” with him? Do you often get worn down and end up giving in?
To me, it often starts with the me requesting something then my child objects to it and would ask for something more. Endless questions and challenges then ensue in the conversation until I get exasperated and then just to get it over with, I sometimes give in.
Giving in is not always bad, especially when the request is a petty one, won’t harm my child or may even promote something good for my child. An example would be when my child asks to have extra 10 minutes of rest prior to doing homework (they usually do homework as soon they get home from school – homework before play rule). Although I try to stick to a strict afternoon schedule, if my child doesn’t have too many homework, extra time for rest wouldn’t be a bad idea at all.
But there are times, and I mean many times, when my child’s request is just too much. Just the other day my youngest son wanted to go with the helper to pick up his middle brother. Since fetching my son from school would mean walking to school, I told him not to go anymore because it was raining and it would be very hard for my helper to attend to him and at the same time attend to his brother. My youngest son pleaded with me, to the point of promising to be good and not giving our helper a hard time (yeah, right!). I stuck with my decision but had to end the negotiations without my child getting into a tantrum, or in other words a win-win situation. So, I told him that if he stayed with me instead, he can use the time to get extra play time with his video game which he wouldn’t get if he went with our helper; adding too that he won’t get wet from the rain and get muddy shoes. The suggestion delighted him and he gave in. End of negotiation.
Many times too, negotiations with my child end up in a full battle. This happens when he request something which I refuse to grant. We then go back-and-forth with questions and challenges. But you know how smart kids are. They will test your limits and see how far they can “push it” to eventually wear you down to give in. When this happens then I figuratively take out my sheriff badge and preach “Mom’s word is the law.
Negotiations with my kids usually fall into one of the three situations above and I react accordingly.
Here are more of my sentiments about handling negotiations with my child —
1. Don’t over negotiate. The back-and-forth talk with your child will just tire you out and may keep you from making the right judgment.
2. Always remember that your child will test your limits. I suppose it’s part of their development to find out how much they can get from you. But remember, the more they succeed in pushing you to the limit, the more power your are losing over them until they see that there are no limits.
3. Impart to your child the value of respect and trust. You are the parent and the authority. They should treat you with utmost respect. They should also put their full trust in you to know what is good for them or not.